Confession: Hello Darkness, my old friend
In so many ways, this feels like a 'coming out' post. No - I'm not gay. But I'm coming out as plus-size. Stupid, I know, but for the longest time I was in denial. I knew what size I was, but I couldn't say the words out loud. I never mentioned the dreaded 'p' word to my friends. To anyone.I was ashamed.
Of my size. Of my body. Of my clothes.
I was different.
It wasn't too long ago that I would never even dream of sharing photos of my body, clothes and wardrobe with the world. I wanted to, but I was shy. Too scared to take the risk and too damn proud to admit that I couldn't shop at Witchery or Shieke like (what felt like) everybody else.
I can't pin-point the exact moment that it changed and I no longer cared about being plus size and truthfully, I doubt there was one. It happened slowly, gradually, I didn't even realise it had happened. I think it came from getting older but maybe it just came from being tired of pretending to be something I'm not. Something I may never be.
I've always been overweight. In high school I hung out with the so-called popular kids. I was the chubby-but-funny girl. I hovered between a size 12 -16 throughout school. I could still fit into the same clothes as my friends, although they looked slightly different on my rounder body than on their frames, but I could camouflage a little better. I was happy at school. Insecure, but comfortable. Popular, even - I was voted School Prefect in Year 12.
It was after school that things changed. I deferred Uni for a gap-year working at a local newspaper. I went from spending the day trekking around the school yard to sitting at a desk for 9 hours straight. I went from not eating lunch (I never ate at school) to long lunches at the local pub or cafe. The shock of being out of my normal, comfortable, safe school environment combined with the weight gain sent me into a horrible depression. There were other factors and incidents of course, but the depression was all-consuming. I was suddenly more aware of my weight than ever before. I didn't fit into my old clothes. I didn't know where to buy new ones. I didn't want to. I had gained weight but I had lost so much of myself and self-worth.
Hindsight is a funny thing. I look back and I can remember the depression so clearly but I can't remember when it started to lift. I know that the darkness felt like it would never go away, and in so many ways it's never really left me. The darkness has become a part of me, an old friend that occasionally comes over unexpectedly for a cup of tea and a chat. I don't know if I'll ever be able to completely cut-ties with her, but I do know now how to get her to leave. Spend a lot of time with friends. A lot of time alone. And sometimes, just a whole lot of wine.
When I clawed my way out of the darkness for the first time all those years ago and started to see the world again, she looked different, a little brighter and a little bit sadder than before. Bits of the old me did come back but somehow I've morphed into a different person yet again. Lola. Lola is the best and the worst of me. She can be the life of the party or the ghost in the corner. She can be a confident chatterbox or an anxious looker-on - sometimes both at the same time. She drives me crazy. She can be such a bad girl.
I love her, this new-version of me.
Lola + Co (clockwise L-R): Half-Cup, Big, Lola, Mayo and C-Bear at Bone's Wedding.
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